Ten Things That You Should Never EVER
by SparxFlame
Summary: ... Let the Maximum Ride Characters Do. The title wouldn't fit. And basically the story does what it says in the title. It is a list, be warned! I will try and hopefully do all the characters. R&R PLEASE! ON HIATUS for the forseeable future.
1. Fangles!

**Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do**

**Fang said he'd eat my little sister if I didn't do the disclaimer, so, here goes... I don't own Maximum Ride. I am not James Patterson. /everyone is in shock/**

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First...  
FANG!

1. I will not let him make out with Max in front of the kids.  
2. I will not let him think ditry thoughts around Angel.  
3. I will not let him go to a really serious meeting, turn invisible (or whatever he does) and then start screaming really loudly.  
4. I will not let him become a kung foo master.  
5. I will not let him run around chanting 'Death bat, death bat, nananana, death bat!'  
6. I will not let him kidnap people and force them to live in his coat cupboard.  
7. I will not let him buy an emo coat.  
8. I will not let him scare the little kiddies by hiding in alleyways and then jump out pretending to be an avenging angel.  
9. I will not let him buy a plane - because that would be redundant.  
10. I will not let him enter 'America's got talent' (or any show like it) and sit there for three hours staring evilly at Simon Cowell for his act.

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A/N Had this idea for some time, so now it's finally a reality!

_A/N Update: I lost this chapter while trying to update Iggy's chappie, so this may bbe slightly different from the original, as I can't remember all the stuff I did, and I didn't save it (stupidly). Thanks for reading this, anyway!_

- SparxFlame

(P.S. In case anyone is wondering about Fangles, they are F angles in maths. Corresponding angles or something. You know, like x angles and c/n/u angles and z angles?)

oO0Oo


	2. Maximum Madness

**Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do**

Fang ate my sister even though I did the disclaimer thingy. And thats another thing to never let Fang do, eat your baby sister. Anyway, now he has nothing to threaten me with...  
**Fang: Evil Smiles  
Me: NOOOOOOOO! NOT THE BOOKS!  
Fang: Bye bye Deathly Hallows!  
Me: NOT FIRE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
Fang: Then say it.  
Me: Sobs I don't own Maximum Ride.  
Fang: Good! lobs book on fire anyway  
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FANG, YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOO DEAD!**

_**Next...  
MAX!**_

1. I will not let her cook me breakfast... or lunch... or dinner... or any other bit of food in between.  
2. I will not let her kill Fang, no matter how much I would enjoy it. Death glares to Fang  
3. I will not let her and Fang make out in front of the kids.  
4. I will not let her confiscate Iggy's or Gazzy's explosives. They are too good for blowing stuff up.  
5. I will not let her loose in the middle of a white-coat conference with a machete (Big knife thing, very good for chopping of heads. Hint hint).  
6. I will not let her get her hands on any M rated Max Ride fanfics, be they Fax or other.  
7. I will not let her give me a lesson on the human anatomy by disembowling an evil scientist.  
8. I will not let her show me how to make flock splatter art.  
9. I will not let her anywhere near icing sugar, or radioactive potatoes.  
10. I will not let her anywhere near Lissa, the 'Red-Haired Wonder'. I will most certainly not give her an AK-47 and lock the two of them in a room together, tell them whoever is alive when you come back will be the winner, and come back two days later...

**_A/N Well, what do you know, my theory was correct for once. IT'S A MIRACLE! Actually, I am quite scared, as I got 4 reviews - FOUR! - in one day. Thats a record for me. The best I ever got for one story in a day was two. So, thank you to..._**

**EnergyAngel**, **walkthewalktalkthetalk**, **MaXiNexSpAzxOfxThExWoRlD** and **bloodfang therandomflockmember** (I think that is an awesome screen name, by the way)

**_For scaring me (In a good way)_ **

- SparxFlame l'insanatie

oO0Oo


	3. PyroMANIAC

**Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do**

Now Fang has absolotely no way of forcing me to do a disclaimer. Oh no, I speak too soon...  
**Fang: Evil Smiles  
Me: This is a new low, even for evil bid-kids. Innocent little creatures?! Thats cruel.  
Fang: Bunny rabbit stew.  
Me: Scared and bothered.  
Fang: ARGH! Bad bunny! No biting... ARGH!  
Me: As I said, scared and bothered. My rabbit is an evil genius.  
Fang: OK, OK, I'm going now... ARGH! Even your pets are demented!  
Me: Now you can't make me say 'I don't own Maimum Ride'... Drat, I just said it. Ah well, next time, always a next time...**

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Next...  
IGGY!

1. I will not let him anywhere any kind of goverment weapons testing facility.  
2. I will not let him hold onto my t-shirt, for this is a sure sign he wants to steal my dessert.  
3. I will not let him put on th 'I'm a poor bling pyro mutant, someone help me' act, as he is perfectly capable of being an evil genius on his own.  
4. I will not let him own a quad bike... now that's a REALLY bad idea.  
5. I will not let him hide in dark alleys, put a torch under his face and jump out at people at night pretending an 'Avenging Angel'.  
6. I will not let him call Gazzy his 'Pyro assistant-in-training'.  
7. I will not let him go around touching random people and calling out their skin colour in a really loud voice.  
8. I will not let him get his hands on the St. Trinnians dvd, lest he get any ideas... coughcoughblowingupartgallerycoughcough  
9. I will not let him ask for an atomic bomb for his birthday. I will DEFINATELY not let him get his hands on one.  
10. I will not let him eat my socks. (WTF?!)

BONUS!: I will not let him add explosives to food... and then give that food to the whitecoats. (Invented by SorrelPaw Thank you!)

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A/N OK, people, colour me WAY freaked. Seven Reviews?! I am seriously scared. But in a good way. So thanks to...

**EnergyAngel - **Glad you find them so funny. They only take about 15 minutes to do.  
**Lollypop 8 - **You are vair, vair insane if you prefer disclaimers to the actual story. I will try and keep them amusing.  
**MaXiNexSpAzxOfxThExWoRlD - **It must be your birthday again. And I did Iggy, I was going to do him next 'cos I'm a pyro too.  
**silentsky93 -** Hope this one is as good.  
**kangaxrou - **No, you didn't spell machete right. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if I did either. And I am writing most of these as in 'These are a really bad idea, but I think you should do them anyway' sort of thingy-ma-whoji-ma-wotsit.  
**Bellafan123 - **Yes, sir! (Madam?!)  
**VandDuskgrowlcatnip** **- **Say hi to V for me. Unless she's reading this... must check out your account, as I really like V's stories. She's mad as well.

- SparxFlame l'insanatie

(P.S. In case anyone is wondering about Fangles, they are F angles in maths. Corresponding angles or something. You know, like x angles and c/n/u angles and z angles?)

oO0Oo


	4. Pyromaniac in training

**

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******

Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do

OK, so now I dyed all Fang's clothing white as revenge (Thanks Mutant Wannabe), and have hidden in the artic rainforest... does the arctic even have a rainforest? Ah well, the point is, none of those insane, evil, mutants/evil-geniuses-in-training can find me... here. Dammit.  
**Nudge: And I was like, well, I thought that he should just, I dunno, have a bit of fun and, maybe, prehaps, like, oh I dunno, find somewhere, like, ooh, ooh, the names just on my lips but I cant remember it, its...  
Me: Nudge...  
Nudge: And, well, when I found out, I was all like, OMG, she hasn't done an entry for me? I mean, Fang's got one, and Max and Iggy, and I mean, it's just me you know, like, all on my own, so Fang said, well, he didn't look like Fang, he was all white-  
Me: /sniggers/  
Nudge: -and he said, come talk to you!  
Me: Nudge, if I promise that the next entry I do will be for you, will you shut up and go away? I'm trying to hide here.  
Nudge: YAY! Oh, Fang says to tell you he knows where you live.  
Me: As I have said, multiple times now... SCARED AND BOTHERED!  
Nudge: Iggy says to tell you that he managed to get hold of an atomic bomb-  
Me: Oh joy...  
Nudge: And he also knows where you live.  
Me: Eep**.  
**Nudge: Although, I think that he thought you were James Patterson...  
Me: Thank goodness I'm not James Patterson th- FANG!  
Fang: /Distant, Cross-Continent sniggers/**

**_Next...  
GAZZY!_**

* * *

1. I will not let him become a pyromaniac-in-training.  
2. I will not let him show off his 'talent' in the middle of a crowded/enclosed space.  
3. I will not let him mimick my voice.  
4. I will not let him pretend to be a sweet little angel so people will feel sorry for him.  
5. I will not let him run around giving people noogies for no reason.  
6. I will not let him pretend to be a really cute little boy with big blue eyes, for he is an evil maniac at heart.  
7. I will not let him convince the flock to play russian roulette. (have I spelt that right? me thinks not.)  
8. I will not let him fly up really high and then bomb into the atlantic ocean.  
9. I will not let him meet up with my brother, because then the world would be in awful trouble.  
10. I will not let him form a rap/rock/hip-hop band with Ari.

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****

A/N Bonjour. One day I will manage to kill Fang... he's nice and all, but he is really, really annoying me. Oh, and cos I'm bored I'm pretending to be french. Probably failing dismally, but ho hum pigs bum. I know that this one wasn't very good, but I didn't have any ideas. If you have better ideas, let me know, and I will make sure thta I give you full credit. Now onto the important stuff. THERE HAVE BEEN NO UDATES FOR AGES! Why? Because I have been camping in the middle of a very wet and muddy field that, surprise surprise, doesn't have internet connection. Or even a computer.Twice I have been camping, in fact. /Sobs/. I have also just been busy, and have unforgivably neglected my writing. Well, I haven't, because I am trying to write and update about six stories at the moment and failing dismally. But I AM BACK PEOPLE! Yeah, I am a bit hyper. It's what happens when I get bored. So, onto the merci beaucoups. If you are still reading this, by the way, good on ya. Have a cookie for being so dedicated. Or bored. Or insane. To read all of this, you must be one of the three. Ayway, MERCI BEAUCOUP TO:

**MaXiNexSpAzxOfxThExWoRlD -** You do not sound like the kind of person that should be trusted with grenades. Please tell me you live somewhere very far from my house. I am rather fond of my eyebrows, you see. And my life, as well.  
**-All-I-Want-Is-Whiter-Tigers- -** Awesome name. I really have no idea where the socks one came from. Although recently, all my socks have mysteriously disapeared...  
**Sorrelpaw** **- **Good idea, but me thinks it may be a bit messy. Even so, I will add it as an honorary 'Thing not to let him do'.  
**Mutant Wannabe - **You are welcome to give Iggy an atomic bomb, although he already seems to have one. Still, I'm sure he'd be grateful for another one. Just be sure to not give him your adress. As I said before, I am writing this in a 'I'm saying you shouldn't do this cos I think it would be hilarious if you did' kind of way. Apart from sugestion number nine.

- SparxFlame the 'French' and very muddy camper

**(P.S. Ok, so I'm not French and can't speak French to save my life. So what?)**

**(P.P.S. I messed up the first chapter trying to update the third chapter, but I accidentally updated the first. If anyone has any idea of how to undo this, or can remember any ways to annoy Fang that I used, I will be eternally grateful if you would tell me...)**

oO0Oo

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	5. Nudge Channel: All Nudge, all the time

**Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do**

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Fang still hasn't found me. This time I am determined not to do a disclaimer. Uh-oh. Are they ever going to go away?  
**Me: Fang! And the rest of the flock as well. What an honour.  
Nudge: I thought you were really annoyed with Fang?  
Me: It's called sarcasm. Read a dictionary once in a while.  
Iggy: Whats a dictionary?  
Me: /groans/ Max, how do you put up with them?  
Max: /glares at me/  
Me: What?  
Max: YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO KILL FANG!  
Me: So?  
Gazzy: Grrrr...  
Me: Eep. /is very scared of angry mutant thingies/  
Nudge: Just do the disclaimer for goodness sake.  
Fang: Yeah, before we rip you to peices.  
Me: Isn't that what vampires do?  
Fang: ...  
Me: Oh, I give up. Go read Twilight.  
Bella: /appears/ Did someone mention Twilight?  
Me: GO AWAY! GO AWAY ALL OF YOU! GO BACK TO YOUR MAD IMAGINARY LIVES AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! /hysterical sobbing noises/  
Angel: She's having a mental breakdown.  
Nudge: Call a doctor!  
Max: 999. Yes? Hello, I have someone here who's having a nervous breakdown. Her name? /to me/ Your name?  
Me: SparxFlame.  
Fang: So it's not James Patterson?  
Me: Try to listen, idiot, I just said SparxFlame.  
Fang: YES! I MADE HER DO A DISCLAIMER!  
Me: Must... Remain... Calm... Ommm... Yoga... Not working... Fang... Destroy... KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL!!  
Fang: Oh _&("£&"!_**

Anyway, while I kill Fang, on with the actual story/list/thingymawhojimawotsit... Hang on, the discalimer is longer than the list. Haha.

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**Next...  
NUDGE!**

1. I will not let her talk for more than two hours.  
2. I will not let her learn to sing opera, and sing it constantly.  
3. I will not let her drive the flock to insanity.  
4. I will not let her randomly stalk people, talking at them constantly.  
5. I will not let her go to a cutlery store and do weird magnetic stuff with all the cutlery.  
6. I will not let her drink coffee, or get hold of any kind of sugary stuff.  
7. I will not let her start up a buisness as a counsellor, as she would be very bad at keeping secrets.  
8. I will not let her record herself talking and then play it back really loudly in crowded spaces.  
9. I will not let her go on Fang's blog... too late.  
10. I will not let her aquire a collection of cute shoes so large it overtakes the whole world.

Bonus 11: I will not let her become a talk show host. (Thanks MaXiNexSpAzxOfxThExWoRlD)

**A/N** Yeah, I know, I suck. I haven't updated in what? Ten years? But for some reason, the teachers at school decided theb best way to welcome us back would be to drown us in homework. Grrrrrr... Actually, I should give it all to Fang as punishment. hehe. But anyway, i shall try to be a better updater from now on (even though I have 3 stories to currently update, 4 others in the pipeline, and far to many plot bunnies skipping happily in my head. How am I ever going to make it?). Actually, if any of you want to write some entries for a character and email them to me, I will post the (possibly with a few alterations) and credit you! Anyhoo, (insert 'thank you very much's' into this space):

**MaXiNexSpAzxOfxThExWoRlD - **You know, you are begining to scare me. Did you skip class on the day that they had a lesson on how it's a bad idea to play with bombs? Anyway, aside from your strange fixation with blowing stuff up, thanks for reviewing regularly. Itr's really nice to get some (slightly mental) feedback.  
**EnergyAngel - **Yes. You can have three virtual cookies for reading the insane authoresses note.  
**A Silenced Angel - **Ok... very enthusiastic reviewing... if slightly incomprehensible... /backs away slowly/... glad you're enjoying it yet. I pity any cows that live within a hundred mile radius of you. And you wouldn't think Fang is cute if he was blowing up YOUR books. It's downright annoying. And the upsidedown question mark thingies are very nice, if slightly random.

- SparxFlame

**(P.S. I messed up the first chapter trying to update the third chapter, but I accidentally updated the first. If anyone has any idea of how to undo this, or can remember any ways to annoy Fang that I used, I will be eternally grateful if you would tell me...)**

**(P.P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up)**

oO0Oo


	6. Freaky mind reader HIDE!

**Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do**

* * *

I now know how to defeat Fang... I've ammassed an army of fangirls... watch out, Fangles.

**Fang: SparxFlame... /sees fangirls/ eep.  
Fangirls: FANG! /smothers Fang with kisses/  
Max: DIE! MY BOYFRIEND! OFF!  
Fangirls: /hyperactive giggles before running off/  
Me: Noooooooooooo! Come back!  
Fang: Haha.  
Me: Shut up... Fangles.  
Max: Fangles... OMG, haha, thats sweet.  
Fang: Shut UP!  
****James Patterson: These are my characters, you know.  
Me: No, they belonge to moi, Le incredible-vous SparxFlame-vous.  
James Patterson: Mine  
Me: Mine  
James Patterson: No  
Me: Yes  
/about 6 years later/  
Me: No  
James Patterson: Yes. ARGH! /pulls out ninja sword/  
Me: Oh (insert swear word of choice here)  
James Patterson: /starts to kill me/  
****Me: /use power of random peoples to explode James Pattersons mind/  
James Patterson: /dies/  
Max+Fang+Flock: /cease to exist/  
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! /to James Patterson/ WAKE UP! I DON'T OWN MAXIMUM RIDE! PLEASE WAKE UP!**

While I try and wake James Patterson up /coughcough/un-kill/coughcough/ so that the Max Ride books will once more come back to the land of reality, have a go at reading the list. Even though the disclaimer is probably better. Sigh, I'm a faliure as a writer! /breaks into hysterical sob/ /gets bored of hysterical sobs/ WHY ARE YOU STILL LOOKING AT THIS?! READ - THE - LIST!

**

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Next..  
ANGEL!  
(Freaky mind-reader-controller-persony-wotsit)

1. I will not let her make a zombie army of clones.  
2. I will not let her have a pet. Especially not a flying, talking mutant dog.  
3. I will not let her do bambi eyes on me.  
4. I will not let her read my mind.  
5. I will not let her read Fang' mind, and then tell Max everything she's heard. And stress exactly how much Fang loooooooooves Max. Lol.  
6. I will not let her become leader of the flock.  
7. I will not let her run around hitting people on the head with baseball bats.  
8. I will not let her drive.  
9. I will not let her learn hypnosis.  
10. I will not let her make chocolate chp cookies and get the rest of the flock addicted to them.

**A/N** **Ok, absolutely nothing to put in this authoresses note. Apart from, I have three new storie up, and I only have two reviews between them. So, if you feel like it, please read and review! Meh. So, review replies. And everyone, I have noticed a certain amount of mentalness in thse reviews. I am sligthly worried that my story is attracting mad people. Even though, you know, I'm mad as well. So...**

**MaXiNexSpAzxOfxThExWoRlD **- Really, really scared now. Please tell me you live far, far away from me... I do not want to wake up and find my house on fire. And maybe listening to your principal would be a good idea. Also, from my experience, bombs and gyms don't mix, unless you want to be arrested for acts of terrorism...  
**One of the Populace **- Thank you for your... creative... ideas. I will try and update Gazzys chapter soon.  
**EnergyAngel **- Rather overexcited at being mentioned, no?  
**bloodfang therandomflockmember** - ouch. you have a cruel mind. And you wouldn't happen to know anything about a certain person named Fag blowing up my books would you? Considering your name mentions him?  
**SapphireWiings **- yes, you're making perfect, insane sense. And I'd like to see Total try and bite my ankles. My dog would eat him. Lol, no, my dog would just lickj him to death... ;-)  
**FangTheBookBlow-Upper** - YOU... ARE... DEAD...! Capiche? You blew up my books! /sobs/ I will do Jeb, but I think you're going to make me do a disclaimer anyway. Why am I getting a big needle out? All the better to stab you with... MWA HA HA!! /evil megalomaniac moment/

- SparxFlame

**(P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up)  
(P.P.S Even if you have no requests, please just review anyway. Or I will get my friend (who apparently became a vampire today) to eat you)**

oO0Oo


	7. Death To The Evil Traitor

**Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do**

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This disclaimer shall now be known as 'The Quest To Make James Patterson Alive Again'.

**Me: Noooooooo... /sniffles/  
Random Passer By: Are you OK, little girl.  
Me: I'M NOT LITTLE! Jeez, I'm the tallest in my class. And I'm not OK.  
RPB: Whats wrong?  
Me: I KILLED JAMES PATTERSON! And now maximum ride doesn't exist, and fangles is dead, and the world won't get saved, and I'll never have wings! /bursts into hysterical sobs/  
RPB: /backs away slowly/ It's OK. Just stay there, and I'll get help...  
Me: You think I'm mad? YOU'RE RIGHT!  
RPB: /runs away very quickly in oppsoite direction/  
Me: Watch where you're going!  
RPB: /crashes into old granny?  
Me: Thats gonna hurt in the morning!**

**Later...**

**Fans: YOU KILLED JAMES PATTERSON!  
Me: Oops. Not deliberately!  
Fans: You must pay!  
Me: GOT IT!  
Fans: Oo?  
Me: We need to get JP back, right? So, if JP is gone, then all the Itex plants have too, right? Now, I have a reliable /coughcough/ source of info, that says Itex have an advert on ebay-  
Fans: _Oo?!  
_Me: OK, so it sounds odd, but... /grabbs RPB's laptop/ ebay... ebay... AHA! Nope, the ad's still up! We must find Itex, and then we will find Jeb!  
Fans: Really?  
Me: Yep- er, nope, but it's worth a try. And if we don't, I'll have nothing for a disclaimer!  
Fans: Sounds good to us.  
Me + Fans: WE ARE NOT JP! WE MUST FIND THE EXALTED JP AND RETURN HIM TO LIFE, FOR WE ARE NOT HIM!**

So, the disclaimer becomes more random... which didn't think could happen... but watch this space!

* * *

**Next..  
JEB!  
(Traitor! I hate him.)**

1. I will not let him have any more kids. (I mean, come on! One dead and Eraserfied. One whith wings, running for her life, and charged with saving the world. Not exactly the advert for responsible parenting.)  
2. I will not let him out of the lunatic hospital for unstable minds... oh wait, somebody already did that.  
3. I will not let him read any more hallmark cards...  
4. I will not let him become a teacher. Or any job that requires social interaction.  
5. I will not let him eat sugar... actually, that applies to ALL maximum ride characters... Apart from Fang. Fang high on sugar, that would be funny!  
6. I will not let him live on his own. He'd forget to feed himself, and die, and then I'd be arrested for neglect... even though he's an imaginary, evil character...  
7. I will not let him stalk, date or get married to Dr. Martinez.  
8. I will not let him kidnap Ella, and then claim it was because he's her step-father.  
9. I will not let him go to college on a refresher biology course, and then tell all the other students to join Itex.  
10. I will not let him brainwash nargles into taking over the world...

Bonus 11! I will not let him near any little kids. The urge to mutate them may be too strong... (thanks, St. Fang Of Boredom!)

**

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**

**A/N I know! I KNOW! I'm such a dreadful, horrible authoress. I desrve to die. So, to make up for my horribleness, I shall update... TWICE! Jeb and Total. And in case you haven't guessed from this list, I hate Jeb... I don't care if he is good, I still hate him. But, thanks to my lovely reviewers who are so nice and forgiving... Hopefully... whimpers PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! Actually, if anyone has time, I'd go and read the reviews. They are seriously funny... you guys make me laugh... and now my parents think I've lost my mind. But, thanks to:**

MaXiNexSpAzxOfxThExWoRlD - Please stop murdering book characters... its really rather wearing having to listen to their complaints. They want me to keep you under control, you see. But I know thats impossible. As for 'To be mentally ill, you have to WANT it', I never get anything I want... not wings, or to be in books, or to have Fang randomly abduct me... But it's a nice idea. And just to let you know, every time you review, I get more and more worried about you're mental health. I'll do Omega when I feel like it. And I wasn't in a library, and I wasn't worried. And I think I'm gonna shut up now...

A Silenced Angel - Mutant Dairy Cows, now there's an idea... but too late. I've already taken over the world, as you can see. And as for issues, yep! But they don't need working out. They're happy as they are.

Breze Lee - Playing russian roulette is bad... unless it's with water ballons, that is! I did that once, it was fun...

EnergyAngel - You really, really don't want a vampire for a friend. It means that they sit in maths and bite their arm for the whole lesson... which is seriously creepy, and rather disturbing if you're trying to work.

bloodfang therandomflockmember - OK. I forgive you. But beware, I am watching. If you put so much as a finger on my books... /thinks happy pyromanical thoughts of blowing people up/

FangTheBookBlow-Upper - Whoever said I wasn't a mutant? Be afraid, be very afraid... I could get ver angry if you upset me by, say, poking me... MWA HA HA! (I feel so EVIL!)

St. Fang Of Boredom - Thank you for finally poking me into updating... and I used your idea! The one with not flock/max was one I'd alreday made up, but it was a good idea... Sorry for nearly getting you kicked out of your library. But if anyone asked, I had nothing to do with it, right? /shifty eyes/

_- SparxFlame_

**(P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up)**

**The line up so far: Total, Omega. (No one's asked for Ari yet!)**

oO0Oo


	8. Totally insane little scottie dog

**Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do**

* * *

Last time, on 'The Quest'... I was about to get killed by fans, because I killed JP. Now we are going to unleash our insanity on Itex, in the hope that this will make JP alive again. Let the madness continue...

**Army Of Angry Fans: i-tex! I-TEX! I-TEX! MUST DE-STROY!  
Me: Thats right, my minions! /evil cackles/ oh, the things I could do with an army of fanatical Max Ride fans...  
AOAF: /marches and finds an Itex plant with surprising ease/ We're here?!  
Me: Well, what do you expect? I'm writing this disclaimer/story/weird-mutant-thingmajig-that-isn't-really-anything, and it'd get boring if we marched for ages...  
AOAF: /shrugs/ BOMBS! /lobs millions of bombs at Itex plant/  
Me: Not gonna ask them where they got those... but it worries me slightly that they can find that many bombs lying around.  
Iggy: /flys out of Itex plant/ I LIIIIVE!  
Me: Well, that explains the bombs question...  
AOAF: YAY! /bows down and worships Iggy/ But where's JP?  
Iggy: You must search for him elsewhere... BUT! There's wings inside the Itex plant...  
AOAF: WINGS! YAY!  
Me: Wait for me...  
AOAF: /hover above Itex plant/ There's no wings left, sorry...  
Me: /hides in corner and cries eyes out/  
Bombs that were thrown previously: /explode/  
AOAF: /all die/  
Iggy: Haha...  
Me: YOU KNEW THAT WOULD HAPPEN!  
Iggy: Yep.  
Me: /attacks Iggy/  
Iggy: /breaks my arm/ Please don't try and kill me. Attempts on you're life get rather boring when you've had as many as me.  
Me: /whimpers/ you broke my arm... ouch.  
Iggy: Yep. Now, are you comming to find Fangles or not?  
Me: My... Arm... /faints/  
Iggy: /sigh/ I'd forgotton how pathetic non-mutants are...  
Me: I am NOT pathetic!  
Iggy: /sighs again/ Yes, yes, of course. ****/grabs my arm/ Off we go! /fly off/**

I'm not happy with Iggy. He broke my arm. That hurts. But on the plus side, I get a free fly-carry, and we're off to find Fangles...

Were shall we look next? We found Iggy, but where now? Only time will tell...

* * *

**Next..  
Total  
**

1. I will not let him grow wings... too late.  
2. I will not let him marry Akila.  
3. I will not let him get a laptop and start his own blog: 'The diary of a mutant scottie'  
4. I will not let him compare himself to other famous dogs throughout history, and emphasise how much better than them he is.  
5. I will not let him eat sugar... even though this goes for all Max Ride characters, Total must never, EVER have sugar, caffine, or E-numbers. EVER! (suggested by actorgirl21)  
6. I will not let him go hurricane surfing, to try and impress Akila.  
7. I will not let him learn that the carrier Max uses to carry him is a baby carrier.  
8. I will not let him insist on getting Fang to carry him. And then insist this is because 'he knows Fang is really a softie at heart'. (If you do this, bring a video camera and tape it for me. I wanna see Fang's face)  
9. I will not let him get a halo and fly around pretending to be a doggy angel, and giving people heart attacks.  
10. I will not let him do the whole dog-in-the-water, gets-out-and-shakes-water-over-everyone thing. Or Max may just shoot him.

Bonus 11! I will not let total make fang teach him to fly with those tiny little wings he has and then have him lick fang's face continuously... WITH THE ENTIRE FLOCK THERE TO WATCH WITH A VIDEO CAMERA!! (so they can post it on the internet)... (thanks MaXiNexSpAzxOfxThExWoRlD!)

**

* * *

**

A/N Two updates in two days! YAY! I'm on a roll, people... mega-long list of characters people want. If you have a request, it may have to wait a while... Thanks for the lovely, hilarious, insane, mental and somewhat worrying reviews you have all sent me. They brighten up my all too un-insane day. Thanks to everyone reading this, but special thanks to the reviewers:

One Of The Populace - nice seal. I like Iggy as well. He's a very interesting character. But I don't particularly like Ari. I guess he's OK... now you're gonna come and kill me, aren't you?

actorgirl21 - thanks for the suggestion for Total!And no, I've never thought about a blog... interesting suggestion, but I have a feeling I'd never update, and everything I posted would just be pointless ranting. Still, something to think about...

melissaeverlasting - Thank you! I try...

EnergyAngel - maybe we are identical twins, separated at birth and we never knew we had a twin! XD That would explain why we want the same things... /slaps self/ there goes my overactive imagination again... I'll try and use you're ideas for Ari! Thanks for the suggestions.

bloodfang therandomflockmember - sorry. I guess I didn't look too hard. Poor Jeb?! he deserves that, the evil traitor... /dark mumblings/ now you've made me all angry againg. It's so irrational I jhate Jeb... but somehow, hating him is so satisfying. It's what he deserves. /more dark mumblings/

St. Fang Of Boredom - Tut tut. You got kicked out. I got kicked out of my library once. I was too loud... XD. Thank you very much for forgiving me, even though I had nothing to do with it. WHAT IS IT WITH MY REVIEWERS AND TRYING TO KILL THE MAXIMUM RIDE CHARACTERS?! The number of complaints I'm getting... honestly. And I'm worried by the fact you have a sword... I hate Jeb, but I wouldn't stab him. Too quick a death. Tie him to a sheep, and push the sheep off a cliff... nice imaginative revenge. And Fang shouldn't be in your head. He should be in my coat cupboard. I kidnapped him... XD.

Cherry Blossom Angel 18 - wow. Lots of requests... I'll try and do all of them. Glad you like the disclaimers. I'm starting to think that maybe they're more part of the story than the lists. Which should probably worry me, but it doesn't. I'm mad that way.

_- SparxFlame_

**(P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. By the way, for some of the more minor characters, there may only be 5 'things not to let do', if I don't have enough ideas.)**

**The line up so far: Omega, Ari, Ella, Dr. Martinez, Mr. Pruitt (evil head master from book 2)**

oO0Oo


	9. Must obey brainwashed idiot ug

**Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do**

* * *

My arm is now miraculously healed, and my sole purpose in life is to really, _really,_ annoy Iggy...

**Me: Iggy?  
Iggy: Yes...  
Me: Have you ever stolen anyone's socks?  
Iggy: Uh... Not that I can recall... why?  
Me: Well- FANG!  
Iggy: What?!  
Me: It's Fang... I can feel his vibe...  
Iggy: Not even gonna ask. Ok, going down...**

**Iggy: /lands next to big waterfall/ It's a waterfall. No Fang. /Dumps me on ground/  
Me: Ow.  
Iggy: Maybe if you didn't wriggle so much when I'm trying to fly-  
Random Voice: /comming from waterfall/ Ommmmm... Ahhhhhhh... Inner peace is now mine... I am calm...  
Iggy: HAUNTED WATERFALL! Ooh...  
Me: /sticks head through waterfall/ There's a cave at the back and... IGGY! YOU HAVE GOTTA COME SEE THIS! /collapses in hysterical giggles/  
Iggy: /sticks head through waterfall/ /sees random person meditating/ Hahahaha, Fang...  
Me: Fang?! He wasn't supposed to be here! He was supposed to be in my coat cupboard.  
Iggy: What the-?  
****Me: Oh forget it. /takes out video camera and starts filming/  
Fang: Ommmm... /gets up an karate chops camera to pieces/  
Me: OY! That was expensive!  
Fang: /shrugs/  
Me: /mutters/  
Fang: What was that?!  
Me: Emo Boy...  
Fang: Grrr.  
Me: Eep. /hides/  
Iggy: Fang, you have to come and find JP with us.  
Fang: Us?!  
Iggy: The... girl... is comming too. Unfortunately.  
****Fang: No way.  
Me: Oh good, you're comming. /grabs Fang, tows him out of cave and throws him up into the sky/  
Iggy: Uh... right. /grabs me and flys off/ You're begining to scare me, you know?**

* * *

**Next..  
Omega!  
**

1. I will not let him take flower arranging or cooking classes.  
2. I will not let him join a school (of the normal kind). He'd emotionally traumatize his classmates for life.  
3. I will not let him get a girlfriend. He'd end up killing her.  
4. I will not let him anywhere near my Maximum Ride books... he'd burn them all /coughFangcough/  
5. I will not let him get hold of my adress...  
6. I will not let him enter the worlds strongest man contest.  
7. I will not let him grow wings.  
8. I will not let him get locked in a room with Fang, and watch them rip each other to shreds. (another one to bring popcorn for)  
9. I will not let him take opera lessons.  
10. I will not let him read this list and give him ideas. So if any of you reading this is Omega, let me know and I'll mindwipe you...

MaXiNexSpAzxOfxThExWoRlD - NO. You are NOT bombing JP. Hehe, you can bomb my little sister... oh no, Fang ate her ages ago... well, you can bomb my brother. And give me wings. And you are DEFINATELY an evil twin. And what does Fangles (not Fangums) blogging in a library have to do with anything? And though your ideas are good, I cant use them all... sorry... And your dont seem like an emo. Just a pyro with serious mental health problems... lol. SuneshineShadows is worried by your reviews. I can see why. And whats more, I agree.

One Of The Populace - Okaaaaaay... Yeah, I'll do the Uber-Director. He'd be a laugh...

Catherine - Sam and Lissa have been duly noted and added... lol, glad you like it.

Nudge without wings - You reviewed about 10,000,000 times, so I'm not sure exactly how to respond... some of that stuff is simply too insane to require an answer. And feeding exploding sushi to werewolves is just cruel, I'm not surprised they didn't eat it... try chocolate cake next time! I have to get a recepie for that exploding cookie dough... And this is a MR fanfic (well, whether it's a fafic is debatable...), not a twilight one, so what the whole werewolves thing was I don't know. And pyromania is good, but blowing up the sun... not so good. I'm not sure NASA will apreciate the cookie dough. They might arrest you... Nice spanish. And yes, you have reviewed a lot. Doesn't it tell you something that the word limit is too small for you to write everything? Might it be a hint that you have a heck of a lot to say?!

Fang The Book Blower-Upper - Who said anything about killing you? Locking you in a coat cupboard for 85 years would do nicely as torture... And I'll burn all YOUR favourite books, and see how you like it... and then I'll make you speak with a Jamacan accent... as you can see, I have a beautifully formed plan of revenge here, which goes on for ages, but why spoil the surprise? And can you get MAx to film you while you're on a sugar high? I wanna see it... And by the way, has Iggy ever stolen/eaten any of your socks? Do you even HAVE any socks for that matter?

mandyfur123 - Why thank you... /bows/ Most people usually just start backing away slowly...

spreadurwingsandfly311 - What is it with people commenting about Twilight?! Ah well. It's so not fair. England gets the movie about a month later than all the people in America. Hmph. And The Voice has been added to the list... ooh, I've got some good ones for he/she/it...

A Silenced Angel - You can have Louisiana. I don't even know where it is... somewhere in America, I guess... and I am not your slave. Go get your own twix. I want sugar... lots and lots and lotsa sugar... ANd you can have Omega. He will just sit there arranging flowers all day and then kill you. He won't do your homework. Besides, I have FAng and Iggy as my slaves... /cough/, err, helpers, Fang, I said HELPERS!

actorgirl21 - Tired _and _hyper?! I sympathise. I do most of my reading/writing when I supposed to be in bed... because I seem to work best at night (like a vampire... ooh. creepy) Which is good, cos I get lots written, but also bad, because then I have to wake up very early and nearly fall asleep in science, then get detention... and whats worse, I'm permenantly hyper. Thanks or the suggestion for Mr. Pruitt... I was wondering what the heck I was gonna do for him.

melissaeverlasting - a THOUGHT occured to you?! lol, I think Max could do wonders with that... hehe, get Fang to do it, then click 'No'... haha. Me gonna laugh now...

EnergyAngel - He already got out, by the looks of it... I'm sad he broke my camera. And he's MINE, comprendo?! I kidnapped him first. And my coat cupboard is better than yours... so MEH! And all the Jeb-haters should unite and form a 'we hate Jeb' club...

bloodfang therandomflockmember - Whats the 'Oh Noes' for... thats what I say! YOU STOLE MY SAYING! GIVE IT BACK!

St. Fang Of Boredom - I'm not sure what worries me more - that you seem to be having conversations with fictionary characters (Fang just gave me a death glare for calling him fictional...) or the fact that you know about a place call Yukon. I've never heard of it. And I'm pretty sure that Fang won't take kindly to being dragged under a desk. In fact, I'm wondering if Fang's been cloned, because he seems to be in my coat cupboard, meditating behind a waterfall, and arguing with you in yuor library all at6 the same time. Or maybe he's just a very slippery fictional mutant bird kid. (Ouch. With anger issues. I think I'm gonna stop calling him fictional now...) And Iggy says to Fang: Yes, I am God, thank you very much. Now bow down and worship me... The Authoress was going to make you God, but you blew up her books, tried to make rabbit stew with her pet bunny, and threatened to eat her little sister. And I reafuse to apologize. (Right Iggy, thats it, Fang's replacing you as God. Even if he isn't a pyro...)

SunshineShadows - What was your name before? And i have no problem with long and random reviews (so long as they make me laugh...). And you should be ashamed you have no mental illness, not proud... Penguins?! /runs off cackling evilly/ /runs back, realizing I haven't finished/ And nope, review number three had absolutely nothing to do with the story. But I agree. Now can I run off cackling evilly? Thank you. /runs off cackling evilly/ I'm sure I've spelt cackling wrong...

_- SparxFlame_

**The line up so far: Omega, Ari, Ella, Dr. Martinez, Mr. Pruitt (evil head master from book 2), Sam, Lissa, The Uber-Director, Gozen, Ella, The Voice**

**(Nooooooo, there's way too many people on the list)(By the way, I'm doing this list so that whoever reviews first will get their character first on the list, so some minor characters will be on there before major characters if people ask for them first...)**

oO0Oo

* * *

P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. By the way, for some of the more minor characters, there may only be 5 'things not to let do', if I don't have enough ideas.

* * *

A/N Well, this time I am officially drowning in emails. From people reviewing this story. I seriously did not expect this many people reviewing when I started the story... I wonder if we've reached 100 yet?! Anyway, I'll try my best to reply to all of them, but if I miss you out I am so sorry. I have just had loads of emails... But keep reviewing! Please! And in return, I'll try to keep updating more than once every thousand years...


	10. The penguins have landed

**Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do**

* * *

**Sorry about the lack of interesting disclaimer. Fang's kidnapped me and locked me in his coat cupboard (since when did he have one of those? Oh yeah, I gave it to him as a birthday present...) as reveng for me locking him in my coat cupboard. So until I get out, no interesting disclaimers... All I can say, is : James Patterson, you can have the lot of them. They're evil. EVIL, I tell you! /breaks down into hysterical sobs/**

* * *

**Next..  
The Penguins from MR 4  
(Yep. I've now gone mad. Well, more mad than before, anyway.)  
**

1. I will not let them regurgitate squid onto the flock.  
2. I will not let them offer one of their chicks to Angel so she can adopt them.  
3. I will not let them crash into the flock while sliding down ice slopes.  
4. I will not let them start an evil cult and use brainwashed humans to take over the world, meaning that the flock has to take time off from world saving duty to stop the penguins..  
5. I will not let them teach Gazzy the art of ice-sliding.  
6. I will not let them headbutt Iggy, so that he keeps 'seeing' flashes of black and white.  
7. I will not let them become eraserfied. Eraser penguins, now theres a creepy thought.  
8. I will not let them raid the scientists town/camp thingie and steal all the food. The leave the scientists/flock to starve.  
9. I will not let them turn into vampires and ssuck everyones blood. (Sorry, I have Twilight on the brain...)  
10. I will not let them discover the joys of solitaire.

**(Okay, so I really ran out of ideas on this one. Can you blame me? I'm writing about PENGUINS here, for Fronds sake!)**

_

* * *

_

**A/N Okay. I haven't updated in ages. You're gonna kill me, right? I knew it! /whimpers//hides under table/. But, I do have an excuse. I have recently got a laptop (big cheer), so I don't have to share with the rest of my house any more, which should mean more frequent updates in the future. However, I haven't worked out how to move my emails across yet (I do have my account wired so that any new emails come to my new adress, I just need to move the old ones over). I wasn't going to update until I had those reviews and could answer anything that you put in them, but it's been too long (plus I got a review from St. Fang of Boredom telling me to get a move on and update! Thank you very much for that, or you'd still be waiting...), so now I shall update! Next chapter I will, once again, answer the reviews, I promise. The reason this chapter is dedicated to the Penguins from MR 4 is because SunshineShadows reviewed and said she'd laugh if I did the penguins. So here they are. Ari will DEFINATELY be next chapter. Thankyou for reading the mega long authoresses note and (hopefully) not killing me,(you'd have to find me first!),**

_- SparxFlame _

P.S. We're on 94 reviews so far!!!! Wow... I had no idea this many people would like reading a random list thingie...

P.P.S. If you live in America, I envy you. You already have the Twilight movie. I have to wait nearly another whole month... /sobs/

P.P.P.S. To Nudgewithoutwings: I can remember your reviews very well... considering they are incredibly long and pointless. Yes. You are doing a fantastic job of being Nudge. Now I see why MAx gets so annoyed with you.  
To St. Fang of Boredom: Fang, thank you for finally giving me the motivation to do this chapter. Thank you so much. I dedicate this chapter to you. And I do hope that poor girl is all right... no, I'm not dead, abducted by aliens (wouldn't mind that, actually, as long as they let me bring my laptop), my computer is healthy, but... I do have writers block. Thankfully I don't need much inspiration for these lists. By the way, do you like playing the guitar? /evil sniggers/  
To SunshineShadows: Haha, I did the penguins. Haha.

**

* * *

**

The line up so far: Ari, Ella, Dr. Martinez, Mr. Pruitt (evil head master from book 2), Sam, Lissa, The Uber-Director, Gozen, Ella, The Voice

**(By the way, I'm doing this list so that whoever reviews first will get their character first on the list, so some minor characters will be on there before major characters if people ask for them first...)**

oO0Oo

* * *

P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. By the way, for some of the more minor characters, there may only be 5 'things not to let do', if I don't have enough ideas.

* * *


	11. All I Want for Christmas is Ari

**Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do**

* * *

**Yeah, so Fang let me out of the coat cupboard... provided I said I didn't own Maximum Ride (which I don't) and that he is my favourite character (which he isn't, cos he locked me in a cupboard). He's somehow managed to find Angel and Gazzy (who were running a hypnotist show somewhere... how they got onto mainstream tv I shall never know) due to his suposed 'magic powers', and so we're off to search for Max... and he's got an evil glint in his eye which I suspect means trouble....**

* * *

**Next..  
Ari  
(Whom I've only just remembered is dead...)**

1. I will not let him come back from the dead. Again.  
2. I will not let him take poltergeisting lessons in heaven/hell/the afterlife/the underworld and come back to haunt the flock.  
3. I will not let him get an eraserfied penguin for his birthday.  
4. I will not let him eat bird kebabs in front of the flock.  
5. I will not let him team up with any werewolves (from whatever book you want) and take over the world.  
6. I will not let him tell Fang that he is his half brother, just to see the look on his face. And to laugh at him when he realsies that that would mean he kissed his half sister... and then run very fast when he discovers that its a lie...  
7. I will not let him dress up as Father Christmas, and scare all the little kiddies.  
8. I will not let him enter X Factor and then kill the judges when they say he can't go through.  
9. I will not let break my computer so I can't finish this list.  
10. I will not lethim steal Iggys bombs and use them to blow up the whole world._

* * *

_

**A/N CHRISTMAS UPDATE!!!! Everyone say thank you to St. Fang of Boredom for (once again) forcing me to update. And unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective), I have got so many reviews that I can't actually reply to all of them. So I gave up. Merry Christmas everyone! We wish you a merry chinmass and a happy new ear! And we reached 100 REVIEWS!!!! Thankyou to ActorGirl21 for getting the 100 mark, this chapter is dedicated to you. Also (I have to say this) TWILIGHT WAS AMAZING! Okay, so Edward looked German, meh. Still hot.**

**Final peice of Christmas advice: guard your mince pies from Fang. he will sneak down the chimney in the dead of night and steal them from you...**

_- SparxFlame _

**

* * *

**

The line up so far: Ella, Dr. Martinez, Mr. Pruitt (evil head master from book 2), Sam, Lissa, The Uber-Director, Gozen, Ella, The Voice, Brigid

**(By the way, I'm doing this list so that whoever reviews first will get their character first on the list, so some minor characters will be on there before major characters if people ask for them first...)**

oO0Oo

* * *

P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. By the way, for some of the more minor characters, there may only be 5 'things not to let do', if I don't have enough ideas.

* * *


	12. Ella the Iggy obssesive maniac

**Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do**

* * *

**I am hiding from the flock. Don't tell them where I am... Where am I hiding? Behind a bush. yeah, awful hiding place. But still. The flock have left to try and get Nudge off the chat show she's hosting. Why the hell anyone let her host the show I have not a clue, but still. And i've been left trying to work out where max and JP are. And I have not a clue. If anoyne can help, please do...**

* * *

**Next..  
Ella  
(For whom I have absolutely no idea what to do...)**

1. I will not let her stalk Iggy.  
2. I will not let her try and grow wings.  
3. I will not let her invite Max for a sleepover, and force her into frilly dresses and put loads of makeup on her, then say its 'family bonding'.  
4. I will not let her take a camera to said sleepover, take photos and give them to Fang so he can laugh his head. (Run very fast after doing this. Max may try to kill you.)  
5. I will not let her go out with Ari.  
6. I will not let her get an accont on fanfiction, and post M rated Fax stories. Then make fang read them, and blame it on Max.  
7. I will not let her join Iggy in his sock fettish.  
8. I will not let her make Total kebabs..  
9. I will not let her sacrifice Celeste to the gods of pinyatas... in the hope she can get salad.  
10. I will not let her read this list. It may give her ideas.

**A/N Sorry I haven't updated sooner. I have been 'sampling the delights of the countryside', ie, Being dragged through a muddy cesspool, my only companions being a screaming marshmallow (my sister), and stinking black wriggly thing (the dog) and two obsessively optomistic weirdos that insited on making lovely observations such as 'what a particulaly spiffing peice of mud' and 'oh look, a lesser spotter daffling bird'. Oh joy. Yes, rant over now. Thank you to the reviewers, which were not very many people. Probably all off on Christmas holidays somewhere... Happy New Year to everyone for tomorrow. I'll be staying up 'till midnight tomorrow... probably dying of boredom in the process. Please review, it'll keep me alive...**

_- SparxFlame _

**

* * *

**

The line up so far: Ella, Dr. Martinez, Mr. Pruitt (evil head master from book 2), Sam, Lissa, The Uber-Director, Gozen, Ella, The Voice, Brigid, delusional director from book 3 whose name I can't remember but will look up when I can be bothered, JP

**(By the way, I'm doing this list so that whoever reviews first will get their character first on the list, so some minor characters will be on there before major characters if people ask for them first...)**

oO0Oo

* * *

P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. By the way, for some of the more minor characters, there may only be 5 'things not to let do', if I don't have enough ideas.

* * *

* * *


	13. Your soul for a COOKIE!

****

Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do

* * *

**Got found by the flock. Bummer. Must try harder to steal Iggy's bombs... anyway, according to my random Authoress powers, Max is currently being worshiped in a cave somewhere on an island off the coast of Hungary, so thats where we're going.**

**Fang: They have cats in Hungary.  
Me: Most countries have cats, idiot... /mutters/ I hate cats. Stupid things... waking mee up a 5 o'clock and mewowing my ear... /thinks evil thoughts/  
Fang: Well, SORRY for making a simple observation... /sulks/  
Nudge: /still trying to host TV show/ So come one, come all to Camp FANG!!! The home for wayward mutant lovers!!!! No, if you're from Itex, it doesn't count...  
Iggy: Wtf?! Camp WHAT?!  
Nudge: Camp FANG! You know, like Camp Rock, that film, cos the main guy has emo hair like Fang?  
Fang: /mutters/ I do not have emo hair...  
Angel: I read it out of her mind... /points at me/  
Me: IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!! I had to watch it in music... /edges slowly away from glaring mutants/  
Everone: O.o  
Nudge: ANYWAYS... Come to Camp FANG!!! And get emo hair!!!!  
Fang: FOR THE LAST TIME I DO NOT HAVE EMO HAIR!!!!  
Gazzy: /straight faced/ No. You have dreadlocks...  
Me: And an emo coat. They said I should EAT it, of all the weird things. /mutters darkly/  
Everyone: O.o ... XD  
Me: Yes. Tis a sad truth... /walks sadly away/ /throws self off cliff, like in angsty romance movies/ /dies/  
Passing pool caretaker: Hum, pocky pocky pocky...  
Me: /Is alive again/  
People reading this: /wonders where it is all going/  
Me: Nowhere.**

* * *

**Next  
Dr. Martinez  
**

1. I will not let her fall in love with a deranged lab assistant, and have a little cute mini-mutant with wings called Max- oh, hang on, thats the blurb...  
2. I will not let her marry Jeb: two deranged scientists = baaaaaad idea.  
3. I will not let her use her delicious cookies to brainwash the flock into taking over the world.  
4. I will not let her help Ella with any of the evil things she might try to do...  
5. I will not let her adopt an eraserfied penguin.  
6. I will not let her ground Max. (Ha, as if she'd be able to...)  
7. I will not let her start working for Itex.  
8. I will not let her turn Maximum Ride into a crossover. Especially a Twilight crossover. (Not quite sure how she'd do that, but still... it could happen!)  
9. I will not let her eat quorn sausages. They are MINE!!!  
10. I will not let her throw herself off a cliff. Or end up being Fang's mum too. That would be creep. Ari would be his half brother, and he'd have kissed his own sister/half sister. Eww.

That was pretty much the worst one ever...**

* * *

A/N I've been naughty and not updated, haven't I? /hides behind table while everyone screams 'yes'/ Well, here's the update. And there won't be another one for about a week probably. /hides again as screaming increases in pitch/ Wait! I have an excuse... I'm going on a weird trip with my school to an outdoor centre place in Aberdyfi (I think thats how it's spelt) that will 'improve my strength of character, and make me a stronger, more valuable member of today's society'. Ha. At least, thats what it's supposed to do. Somehow, I just think it'll make me very cold and wet. So yeah, heads up anyone who lives in Wales! I'm comming to visit. Now may be a good time to buy a bomb shelter... As I'm bringing the rest of my class with me... /evil laughs/ Mwa ha ha... /disspapears in a cloud of coleslaw/ Everyone: ????? O.o**

_- SparxFlame _

**

* * *

**

The line up so far: Mr. Pruitt (evil head master from book 2), Sam, Lissa, The Uber-Director, Gozen, Ella, The Voice, Brigid, delusional director from book 3 whose name I can't remember but will look up when I can be bothered, JP

**(By the way, I'm doing this list so that whoever reviews first will get their character first on the list, so some minor characters will be on there before major characters if people ask for them first...)**

oO0Oo

* * *

P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. By the way, for some of the more minor characters, there may only be 5 'things not to let do', if I don't have enough ideas.

* * *


	14. An Example Of A Bad Teacher

****

_Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do_

* * *

**On a boat somewhere off the coast of Hungary (Actually, is anyone reading this from Hungary?). Well, who would have thunk it: Mutants can get seasick...**

**Angel: Bleargh!!! /throws up/  
Me: Haha. Never liked you anyway, evil creepy mind controlling scary person....**

**Iggy: /whining/ I'm HUNGRY!  
Me: Have a quorn sausage. /lobs one at his head/  
Iggy: Oww... /goes off to sulk/**

**Nudge: Mplh! MLPH!!!!  
Me: Yes, I did ask them to duct tape your mouth. After the millionth rendition of camp Fang, everyone wanted to kill you. It was for your own safety.**

**Gazzy: Bleach... check! Fuses... check! Lemons.... check! Alarm clock with green spots... CHECK! Got everything. Hehehehehehehe...  
Me: Do I even want to know?  
Gazzy: Probly not.  
Me: Okay, just don't blow up anything important. I don't want to get stuck in the middle of the sea with a bunch of singing mutants... Hey! THOSE ARE MY SOCKS!  
Gazzy: Hehe... /disappears in a cloud of... slamanders?!/**

**Everyone: What singing mutants?  
Me: /points sadly to the right/  
Fang: OH, On top of a mopuntain, all covered in grass, a little bald eagle, was scratching his- I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!!! That's not what I said, the little bald eagle, was scratching his HEAD!!! OH, On top of- /ect. You get the idea./  
Evereyone: O.o  
Me: yep, Fang has gone mad. /smacks Fang round head/ Shut up, will you? Before I feed you to the evil squirrels at the bottom of the garden.  
Fang: OH NOES!!!! /hides/  
Me: Yes, YOU BETTER RUN!!! Those squirrels caused the Civil war...**

**Fang: /vaguely regains some sanity/ /pokes me/ He hum. You were going to say?  
Me: /sighs/ Yes. Okay. /to audience/ Fang has kindly pointed out to me that these random little... thingamies at the top of the lists are actually not really disclaimers any more, so I am forced to say- /whines at Fang/ Do I have to?  
Fang: Yes.  
Me: I- I don't own- I don't own Ma- I CAN'T DO IT!!! /runs off/  
Fang: /sighs/ Sorry about her. Overdose on chocolate sprinkles. Well, folks, I'll say, in her place: SHE DOESN'T OWN MAXIMUM RIDE!  
Me: /vague wailing off screen/  
Fang: ?Me llamarse? Mi llamo are all gone, dey gone to Hong Kong, HEY!!!! On top of spaghetti, all coverd in cheese, I lost my poor meatball, when somebody seezed- /walks of singing happily to himself/  
Me: /sneak attack/ /gags Fang/ Sorry about having to listen to him sing. No sense of tune at all...**

* * *

**Next  
Mr. Pruitt**

1. I will not let him apply for a job at a nursery school. He'd be hanging all the little kiddies from the ceiling by their feet.  
2. I will not let him be too stressed out. You know, with his high blood pressure, it might just give him a heart attack... /evil plans starting to form/  
3. I will not let him eat marshmallows. Evil people do not deserve marshmallows.  
4. I will not let him catch Iggy/Gazzy blowing stuff up. He'd get them imprisoned for life.  
5. I will not let him lure innocent people into the School, so they can be experimented on.  
6. I will not let him go on any speed dating websites.  
7. I will not let him turn out to be a minotaur. O.o  
8. I will not let him bleach his hair blonde and put it into really, really high spikes. And start wearing a dog collar.  
9. I will not let him become an eraser.  
10. I will not let him start a 'Save the evil scientists' charity..

**

* * *

**

**A/N Yay!!! Basically, I am ALIVE! Oh yeah! /does little happy dance at the whole being-alivedness of everything/ Random passers by: /stare/. And I wanna get an eraserfieed penguin!!!!**

_- SparxFlame_

**

* * *

**

**The line up so far: Mr. Pruitt (evil head master from book 2), Sam, Lissa, The Uber-Director, Gozen, Ella, The Voice, Brigid, delusional director from book 3 whose name I can't remember but will look up when I can be bothered, JP**

**(By the way, I'm doing this list so that whoever reviews first will get their character first on the list, so some minor characters will be on there before major characters if people ask for them first...)**

oO0Oo

* * *

P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. By the way, for some of the more minor characters, there may only be 5 'things not to let do', if I don't have enough ideas.

* * *


	15. Sam, Sam, the postman man

* * *

**Fang: Err, SparxFlame?  
Me: Yes? Oh, you've stopped singing. Good.  
Fang: I can start again.... /draws deep breath// OH-  
Me: /covers Fangs mouth/ NO! just say what you were going to say before.  
Fang: mllss llmppl... LPMMH!  
Me: Oh, right. /uncovers Fangs mouth/  
Fang: Err, I was just wondering, well... does Hungary have a coast?  
me: I asked this old bald guy that, and he said 'Does a frog eat squirrels', so I assumed that mean yes.**

**Iggy: Err, SparxFlame?  
Me: Yes?  
Iggy: Well... Frogs don't eat squirrels.  
Me: ...Damn.**

**Gazzy: So we're lost?  
Nudge: Yep!!!**

**Me: /hears ominous chanting/ Whats that?  
All boys: /dreamily/ Siren song... /all try to jump off ship/  
Me: ...Damn.**

**Oh yeah, also, I am not James Patterson, The almighty creator of Maximum Ride. I only own the universe, and 42... :D**

* * *

**Next  
Sam**

1. I will not let him kiss Max. SHE BELONGS TO FANG!!! (Sorry. I'm a violent FAX shipper...)  
2. I will not let him turn out to be and eraser.  
3. I will not let him turn out to be gay, either. That'd be just Max's luck.  
4. I will not let him start dating Max's 'mum', the ultra-delusional director.  
5. I will not let him turn out to be Jeb's son.  
6. I will not let him claim that Total is his dog, and sue the flock for dog-napping.  
7. I will not let him get in a death fight with Fang.  
8. I will not let him become a vampire.  
9. I will not let him stalk the flock, causing Iggy and Gazzy to have to bomb him. And then he would die, meaning the flock would have to do lots of useless paperwork when they should be saving the world instead.  
10. I will not let him own a pet nargle. Complete with mirrored sunglasses and an obsession with chocolate pringles dipped in lemon juice.

**A/N Okay, I have discovered a major error with one of my disclaimers. Namely: Hungary does not have a coast... XD pretty major error (now rectified in abpve disclaimer...). Shows how good my Geography is. Well, here is the one we all hate... SAM! Oh, and: Shall I compare thee to a cardboard box? Thou art less full of odd socks! (If anyone can tell me what sonnet thats based on, you get a virtual cookie...)**

_- SparxFlame_

**P.S. If you review, I shall give you one of my fabulously yummy honey and cinamon biscuits... yum...**

**P.P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. By the way, for some of the more minor characters, there may only be 5 'things not to let do', if I don't have enough ideas.**

The line up so far: Lissa, The Uber-Director, Gozen, Ella, The Voice, Brigid, delusional director from book 3 whose name I can't remember but will look up when I can be bothered, JP, Max II (the clone)

(By the way, I'm doing this list so that whoever reviews first will get their character first on the list, so some minor characters will be on there before major characters if people ask for them first...)

oO0Oo

* * *

* * *

_Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do_


	16. The Red Haired Wonder

**_Ten Things You Should Never, EVER let them Maximum Ride Characters DO..._**

* * *

**Boys: /duct taped to mast with cotton wool in their ears/ Let us out!!! We must get to the siren song!  
Me: Nope. /turns boat around/ Lets go find these sirens. And stop them singing. Permenantly...  
Nudge + Angel: What about MAX!  
Me: She can wait.**

**Max: /somewhere random/ No I can't! GET ME OUT OF HERE!**

**Sirens: Ah, aah, aaaaah, aha ah, aaha aha haaha aha... ect.  
Me: Oy! Anoying singing people!  
Sirens: Why yeeeeeees?  
Me: Ulp... I'll just be leaving...  
Edward Cullen: Yes. Yoou better had. You inteupted our rehersals for our new musical, 'The Vampires and the Werewolves'!  
Me: Okaaaaaaay... /backs off slowly, which is hard to do, when you're in a boat/  
Jacob Black: YOU BETTER RUN!**

**ME: /growls/ Stupid baby-stealing, double crossing, evil, stuck up twit...**

Oh yeah, I don't own Maximum Ride. I own: A pair of thermal socks, a rather nice red top, a large collection of books, and two cookies. Nothing else.

**

* * *

**

Next...  
Lissa!  
(A.K.A The red haired wonder)

1. I will not let her kiss Fang again. HE BELONGS TO MAX!  
2. I will not let her change her last name (whatever it is) to Mary-Sue.  
3. I will not let her get hold of a floatig flaming chainsaw bus, and then run the flock over with it..  
4. I will not let her marry Jeb. (Eww... bad mental images...)  
5. I will not let her do the stupid air flicking thing in Max's face.  
6. I will not let her become a cheerleader in the High School Musical film... /shudders/  
7. I will not let her get a job in counseling for destressed mutants.  
8. I will not let her and Sam marry... actuall, YES! Please marru each other.. that way you can't go anoying everyone else...  
9. I will not let her get a pink hockey stick with Fangs name written all over it.  
10. I will not let her steal my precious Max Ride books so she can read them and find something to blackmail Fang with.

**

* * *

**

A/N Well, I woke up this morning, looked at the clock, and thought 'Damn. I've missed my bus by half an hour.' Then I looked out the window, saw the 12 inches (not kidding) of snow in my garden, and realised that the bus probably never came. So, I decided to update this again. Aren't you lucky! I went on my computer, and what did I see? 22 emails, thats what. All from fanfictioners. So now I am HAPPY! No school, and lots of reviews..

Well done to the people who got that the sonnet lines were from Shakespears 'Shall I compare thee to a summers day?'. We''ve been doing it in English, and had to write one based on it. I ended up with comparing whoever it was to a cardboard box, and the only sonnet ever to have the words 'environmentaly friendly' in it. :D Big grin to anyone who, like me, is enjoying the bucketloads of snow we've received: I'll definatley be going sleding later... Oh yeah,. and I ran out of biscuits. So I shall have to make some more before I can bribe you again.

_- SparxFlame_

**P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. By the way, for some of the more minor characters, there may only be 5 'things not to let do', if I don't have enough ideas.**

* * *

The line up so far: The Uber-Director, Gozen, The Voice, Brigid, delusional director from book 3 whose name I can't remember but will look up when I can be bothered, JP, Max II (the clone), random schitzophrenic hacker guy, Akila

(By the way, I'm doing this list so that whoever reviews first will get their character first on the list, so some minor characters will be on there before major characters if people ask for them first...)

oO0Oo

* * *

_Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do_


	17. The Hampster Guy

**_Ten Things You Should Never, EVER let them Maximum Ride Characters DO..._**

* * *

**Fang: We're loooooooooooooost! We're loooooo-  
Me: /hits fang/ Shut up. We're not lost.  
Fang: Yes we aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaareeeeeeeeeeeeee-  
Me: /hits fang harder/ Shut up.**

**Random Passing Monk People: /sit on a rock in the middle of the sea/  
Head RPMP: /chants/  
Max: /sits of an altar with a ring of flowers round her neck/ HEEEEEEEEEEELP! FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!  
Fang: /is knocked out from being hit?  
Me: Damn. Iggy?  
Iggy: Bombs.... hehehehehehehe... Bombs....  
Me: Okay, who gave the mutants drugs?  
Total: /raises paw/  
Me: /kicks Total off boat/  
Total: NOOOOOOOOOoooooo......  
Me: Okay. Now to get Max. /sails boat to rock/ /gets off/  
**

**RPMP: Hum, pocky pocky pocky, DEAD PINYATA! DEAD PINYATA!  
Me: Riiiiiiiight. Yeah, excuse me?  
RPMP: /all stare/  
Me: Well, I was wondering if we could have Max back?  
RPMP: No. We need her for The Sacrifice.  
Me: Ooh, ominous capital letters... what sacrifice?  
RPMP: The Sacrifice that will end the world, of course!**

**The Doctor: /randomly appears in tardis/  
Me: Sorry, you're in the wrong fandom. Get out!  
Doctor: :( /does puppy dog eyes/  
Me: OUT!!!!!! /kicks tardis back to wherever it came from/**

**Me: Sorry 'bout the interruption. Continue?  
RPMP: We will not give you Max!  
Me: I have Fang plushies.... /wiggles plushies invitingly/  
RPMP: Squeeeeeee!!!!!  
Me: Aaaaaaand... FETCH! /lobs Fang plushies into sea/  
RPMP: SQEEEEEEEEE! /run into sea and drown/**

**Max: I'm SAVED!  
Me: /pulls max back onto boat/  
Max: /looks at flock members/ What happened to them?  
Me: Total gave them drugs.  
Max: And where _is _Total?  
Me: /shrugs/ I kicked him off the boat.  
Max: O.o Who are you?  
Me: The authoress...  
Max: That explains a lot... /groans/**

Hehe, these reall aren't disclaimers any more. Ah well. Who knows? More importantly, who cares? SO! Disclaimer: I like cheese. And Maximum Ride. But I only own cheese... /cheese lawyers come and sue me/ Oh, ok, I don't own cheese either. Just a single mouldy sock. /holds up sock sadly/ Yes. Pity me.

**

* * *

**

Next...  
Uber-Director  
(Or Hampster Guy. Whichever you prefer.)

1. I will not let him buy sweet baby hampsters. He'd eat them.  
2. I will not let him make weird squishy noises with his insides, to gross everyone out.  
3. I will not let him get hold of one of those space hopper things... that's just creeeeeeeepy.  
4. I will not let him go out with Gozen. /shudders/  
5. I will not let him buy one of those electric wheelchair thingies, and go whizzing down the supermarket aisles. :D  
6. I will not let him skip everywhere.  
7. I will not let him propose to Fang. Or max. Or Iggy. or anyone else, really.  
8. I will not let him buy catsup.  
9. I will not let him eat tonnes of sugar. Then see what happens. And get Fang to video record it.  
10. I will not let him become an emo ninja and get his own comic strip. O.o /Dunno where that came from/

**A/N Hello, my pretties! /cackles evilly/ /collapses from sugar overload/ /wakes up/ Okay, now thats all out of my system, sorry for not updating sooner. I have excuses! /everyone groans/ Yeah, my computer got confiscated, then I went on holiday, then ff wouldn't let me log on (Grrr...), and then I got ill... I'm still ill, but not very much. So I'm using the time to update! Okay, I have decided that I am going to do a mini-survey: What do you think the meaning of life is? Hehehehehehe... /skulks off to be obsessive over something/**

_- SparxFlame_

**P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up.**

* * *

The line up so far: Gozen, The Voice, Brigid, delusional director from book 3 whose name I can't remember but will look up when I can be bothered, JP, Max II (the clone), random schitzophrenic hacker guy - now positively identified as Mike!, Akila

(By the way, I'm doing this list so that whoever reviews first will get their character first on the list, so some minor characters will be on there before major characters if people ask for them first...)

oO0Oo

* * *

_Ten Things That You Should Never EVER Let The Maximum Ride Characters Do_

* * *


	18. Japanese Dumplings

**_Ten Things You Should Never, EVER let them Maximum Ride Characters DO..._**

* * *

**Max: So, let me get this straight. You killed JP, and me and the flock will disappear from existance if you don't get him back. So you found all the flock members, but managed to drive them insane in the process?  
Me: Yeah. Apart from the insnaity. I like to think that I only brought out their internal madness that already resided in them.  
****Fang: And now she got us stuck here...  
Me: We're not stuck, we're just... loitering without intent.  
Nudge: As opposed to lotering _with _intent, which is what police arrest people for when they don't have anough evidence to charge them with something more serious.  
Me: Yeah, basically.  
Iggy: We're stuck, whatever way you look at it...  
Me: Well, yeah, but not for much longer. /magical portal opens in space, time, dimensions, and cheese. (portals always open cheese)/  
Flock: O.o Oooooooh...  
Angel: How did you do that.  
Gazzy: Poke. /pokes portal/ /disappears/  
Nudge: GAZZY!!!! /runs at portal/ /bounces off surface/  
Max: NOOOOOOOES!!!  
Fang: /randomly kisses Max/  
Max: Meep...**

**Me: It's okay people, I've got it all under control... oh, yeah, kids, look away from Fang and Max...  
Angel: What is it?  
Me: It's a plot hole. Very useful. It'll take us to wherever JP is.  
Nudge: Isn't that, uh, like, cheating?  
Me: Nah. Authors use it all the time, to move the plot forward - or if they're to lazy to do the bits in between the action. This one's just more obvious than most.  
Angel: Okay. /jumps in plot hole/  
Nudge: /jumps in plot hole/  
Iggy: Bombs, check. Gun, check. Bayonett, check. Deadly acid, check. Okay, lets GO! /jumps in plot hole/  
Me: Oy! Lovebirds! Move your butts! /kicks Max and Fang in plot hole/  
Total: What about me?  
Me: You gave them drugs. I don't trust you, so you're staying here... /jumps in plot hole/  
Total: /evil look/ I will have my revenge, SparxFlame. You will regret messing with the TOTAL-MIESTER!!! /manical laughter/**

Still don't own Maximum Ride. However, James Patterson seems to be doing a good job of running it at the moment, so I don't mind...

* * *

**_Next...  
Gozen  
(Pudding person)_**

1. I will not let him eat Gozoa. Those dumpling things? Otherwise it would create a paradox, and the world would explode. Or implode. or asplode. Or any kind of -plode, really.  
2. I will not let him fall in love with Frankenstine.  
3. I will not let him visit the beach. He'd make all the little kiddies drop their ice cream.  
4. I will not let him go on any type of reality tv show.  
5. I will not let him go parachuting. He'd break the parachute, go splat, and... eww.  
6. I will not let him take a holiday to the himalayas.  
7. I will not let him become obsessed with tellytubbies.  
8. I will not let him eat Total.  
9. I will not let him become leader of the SAS.  
10. I will not let him grow wings.

**

* * *

**

**Yeah, not updated for ages. Don't remind me. I had four exams today. FOUR! I only have five lessons a day. And maths, science, geography and ICT, all on the same day? It should be classed as child abuse. The new MR book is FINALLY out, which I got on Sunday, and stayed up reading it till midnight (I only started it at about nine o'clock, though). I will be adding new characters to the list, but on next update, so there aren't any spoilers for people who haven't read it. I liked it mainly, but the ending was just... whatever. And thats all I shall say. For now... Mwa ha ha! /disappears in a puff off smoke/**

_- SparxFlame (Currently insane)_

**P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up.**

* * *

The line up so far: The Voice, Brigid, Marianne Jansen (The Director), JP, Max II (the clone), Mike(Hacker Guy), Akila

(By the way, I'm doing this list so that whoever reviews first will get their character first on the list, so some minor characters will be on there before major characters if people ask for them first...)

oO0Oo

* * *


	19. Why the Voices!

**_Ten Things You Should Never, EVER let them Maximum Ride Characters DO..._**

* * *

**Flock: /fall out of plot hole/ Oww!  
Me: /jumps out/ Losers.  
Max: Where are we?  
Me: /looks around/ Well... clouds, angels, harps and a massive pair of golden gates? I'd say heaven.  
Iggy: Woah. I have a feeling bombs might not work here.  
Gazzy: ... O_o /starts to cry/  
Nudge: Look! Angel really does look like angel!!!  
Me: Okay people. Time to get JP back. /to person guarding gate/ Hello?  
Gate Guard: Hello.  
Me: Err, can we get through? We kinda need to find a friend.  
GG: Why?  
Fang: It's complicated. Basically, if we don't, then we'll cease to exist.  
GG: You shall not pass.  
Me: Eh, I don't think you understand. We. Need. To. Get. Through.  
GG: You shall not pass.  
Max: Yeah. And why's that?  
GG: You're hearts are full of evil. Especially hers. /points at Angel/  
Me: /mutters/ Told ya she's evil.  
Iggy: /lobs bomb at gates/  
Flock + Me: /get struck by lightning/ /thunder rumbles/ /everything goes black/**

**Me: Eeepaa. My head. Where are we?  
Flock: /look around/  
Fang: Well... fire, lava, massive cavern thingy, and loads of devil people? I'd say we're in Hell.  
Me: Oops. That wasn't supposed to happen.**

Still don't own Maximum Ride. I own cookies, so whoever's hiding under the kitchen table, come out and I'll give you some...

* * *

**_Next...  
The Voice_**

1. I will not let it force feed the flock cookies.  
2. I will not let it turn out to be Golum, come to invade the MR fandom.  
3. I will not let it drive Max insane... oh. Too late...  
4. I will not let it give Max the power to blast things with lasers that come out of her eyes.  
5. I will not let it eat satsumas. Yummy.  
6. I will not let it headshot people while screaming random things.  
7. I will not let it be a sign of early paranoied schitzophrenia. (Yes, I know it's probably spelt wrong)  
8. I will not let it own a pruple and green snake.  
9. I will not let it live in an alternate dimension.  
10. I will not let it step on an exploding rat. They are deadly...

**

* * *

**

**I haven't updated. For ages. And I'm sorry. Becuase I seem to do this all the time. So I'm really sorry. If you want to shoput at me, I don't mind. Truth be told, I actually forgot all about this. Horrifiying, I know. I have a bunch of other, bigger projects going on at the moment, that are taking up my time, so I've been a bit distracted. But anyway, hope you enjoy this. I really have nothing else to add, apart fro a small bit of advice: Watch out for unexploded rats and flying pie...**

**_Apologies for the earlier update, I used the wrong document!!!!!! Sorry..._**

_- SparxFlame (Drowning in mess)_

**P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up.**

* * *

oO0Oo

The line up so far: Brigid, Marianne Jansen (The Director), JP, Max II (the clone), Mike(Hacker Guy), Akila

oO0Oo

* * *


	20. The Fangpikey of DOOM!

**_Ten Things You Should Never, EVER let them Maximum Ride Characters DO..._**

* * *

**Fang: Hey. These devil-peeps aren't so bad...  
Max: /Whacks Fang/ No devil worshipping.  
Me: He may have a point, though. Hey! You!  
Devil-Peeps: Yeah?  
Me: Howdya fancy a riot?  
Devil-peeps: MWA HA HA HA!  
Me: Oops.**

/One massive riot and swift abduction of J.P. later/

**Max: Quick! Through the plot hole!  
Angel: I'm staying here. With the Angels.  
Iggy: /snigger/ And Gazzy's staying with the devils.  
Gazzy: /away somewhere/ BURN BABY BURN!!!!  
Fang: /sigh/  
Nudge: Oh, hurry up!  
Everyone: /jumps through plothole/**

**J.P: So, who the hell are you?**

**/Awkward silence.../**

Max Ride be not mines. Sadly. Although it does mean you get regular books.

* * *

**_Next...  
Brigid Jones  
(I hate her. Don't we all. She's evil.)_**

1. I will not let her marry Fang. Grrr...  
2. I will not let her assasinate Max.  
3. I will not let her turn evil. Oh wait, she already did.  
4. I will not let her become a bannana-maniac. (I have a conspiracy theory regarding the BBC and bannanas. Don't ask.)  
5. I will not let her volunteer to help the school and turn into an eraser.  
6. I will not let her develop a weather-control machine and freeze the flock to death.  
7. I will not let her team up with Angel and take over the world in search of cookies.  
8. I will not let her burn the polar icecaps in a fit of temper.  
9. I will not let her go in the Big Brother house.  
10. I will not let her eat her own leg.

**

* * *

**

**Yeesh. Not updated in years. Sorry. Brain hurts. May be dying. Not really. Like bannanas. And chocolate. Need sleep. Thankyou to Elizabeth Volterra. This chapter be dedicated to yous. :D**

_- SparxFlame (Drowning in mess)_

**P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. Please, we're running out of characters!**

* * *

oO0Oo

The line up so far: Marianne Jansen (The Director), JP, Max II (the clone), Mike(Hacker Guy), Akila

oO0Oo

* * *


	21. Megolomanical Would Be Ruler of All

**_Ten Things You Should Never, EVER let them Maximum Ride Characters DO..._**

* * *

**JP: So basically, you're a bunch of devil-worshiping loonies come to kidnap me so that the Maximum Ride characters will exist and you'll not get lynched by a rampaging mob of fans, and you'd quite like a radioactive potato and my autograph while you're at it?  
Me: Well, yeah.  
Mex: /glare at Fang/ Minus the devil-worshipping part.  
JP: You are aware, of course, how insane this all sounds?  
Me: Of course. Whith me running this thing, how could it not?  
Max: WHAT?! You are _so_ not running this, you sorry little non-mutant!  
Me: Hey! I resent that!  
Fang: Yeah! If anybody's running this thing it's me!  
Me+Max: _WHAT?!  
_/Massive argument ensues/**

**JP: /Sneakily creeps away from the madness/**

**Me: Well, I- Oh damn. We lost Patterson, people.  
Fang: Oh cra-  
Total: /Comes sailing overhead in a hot air ballon/ HA! I have come to take over your punny Grade-5 partially radioactive planet on the outer edge of a spiral galaxy in the unfashionable backwaters of the universe!  
Max: Well, that was a long scentence...  
Me: Here we go again...**

Maximium Ride be not mines, in past, present or future, parrallel universes or alternate dimensions. End of.

* * *

**_Next...  
Marrianne Jennson  
(The Director from Book III)  
(Who has serious issues, people)_**

1. I will not let her offer Max cute shoes in return for her help taking over the world.  
2. I will not let her eat chocolate ever again. Because someone that evil does not deserve chocolate.  
3. I will not let her be your mum.  
4. I will not let her get an anti-tank gun and run through a shopping centre blowing people up.  
5. I will not let her buy an Ibex.  
6. I will not let her team up with Valencia Martinez.  
7. I will not let her a talking car. (Don't ask.)  
8. I will not let her use the Flock as target practice.  
9. I will not let her marry Ter Borchet.  
10. I will not let her be an alien.

**

* * *

**

**Hi. I'm back, nice and soon. :D Yay! Yeah, I just wanted to say an honest and heartfelt thanks to all my reviewers. You have no idea how much it means to me that som may of you review this stupid little thing. It's really, really nice to know there are a bunch of people out there that actually like something I've done.**

**Yeah, okay that was cheesy. But meh, sometimes you need a little cheese in your lifee. Hey, why else was High School Musical created? Embrace the cheese, people...**

**And on that weird not, I bid you farewell, and thanks for all the fish.**

_**- SparxFlame (Being baked in a rare English heatwave)**_

To Hannah Brandon: Cos I can't be bothered to find your profile, I'm replying here. No, I didn't mean to use a GGN quote. And yeah, you have my permission, provided you use a diclaimer/link. A lot of people think the A/N's are better than the lists. Meh, go figure what you will about that. The plot holes can take you anywhere you want, but sadly only in your mind. For me, that's good enough.

**P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. Bef to use themore you do, please check I've not already done them, or that they're not on the list! Thanks.**

**

* * *

**

**oO0Oo**

**The line up so far: JP, Max II (the clone), Mike(Hacker Guy), Akila, The Ghosts, Mr. Chu, The Radioactive Whale thingies,, Ter Borchet (have I done him already?!), Clone People, Mara (aka Spot girl), John Abate**

**oO0Oo**

**

* * *

**


	22. The Not So Subtle Max Replacement

**_Ten Things You Should Never, EVER let them Maximum Ride Characters DO..._**

* * *

**Witty Disclaimers have been temporarily suspended,  
due to the fact the Authoress is nearing the standard  
commonly known as brain dead.**

**Meanwhile,  
here is some light music  
and  
a dancing cucumber  
to keep you occupied.**

**Dooby-dooop-dooop dubedy-dup-dooooooooo dum-ba-dum-ba da-da-da-dum...**

**We regret to inform you that  
the cucumber has just exploded.  
You will have to make do  
with just light music.**

I am not the Author of Maximum Ride. I am an AUTHORESS. I own only the disclaimers and the A/N's. And the exploding cucumber.

* * *

**_Next...  
Max II  
(The not-so-subtle-Max-replacement clone)_**

1. I will not let her make breakfast.  
2. I will not let her try to 'fix' the flock's hair.  
3. I will not let her eat Total with BBQ sauce.  
4. I will not let her propose marriage to Fang.  
5. I will not let her be set loose to run around and play mind games with everyone. Oh, wait, too late.  
6. I will not let her learn to juggle. With spikey fire balls that she can throw at people's heads.  
7. I will not let her get her own book.  
8. I will not let her pull Iggys wings off.  
9. I will not let her go and live with the Cullen clan  
10. I will not let her make fudge.

**

* * *

**

**SORRY!!!! I know I know, I didn't update. /Hides from angry people/ The sad truth is, I kinda... forgot about it. I'm feeling really uninspired about this particular fic-list-thing (I don't think it's really worthy to be called a fic), and I feel like the quality of the lists have been detiriorating for about the last five chapters. My Muse responsible for crack!fic has abandoned me. :( So If this is the last one in a little while (again) I apologise. The thing is, I'm working mainly on a new Doctor Who/Torchwood fic, which kind of needs to be finished before the Christmas episodes air, so thats taking up most of my time. I'm about halfway through (maybe more/less, depending on plot alterations), and its already 38 pages. So yeah. Big fic. And theres's an Artemis Fowl one as well, which is completely written up, just not typed. And then my Muse demanded that I make loads of plot changes, so thats time-consuming as well. And I've now had inspiration for a new Primeval one (or Prime of Evils, as my little sister calls it XD) ./Sigh/ I think that was the point when I chased my Muse across three continents, screaming incoherently.**

**Oh, the fun of being me. Rant over now. Thank you for reading. Come again soon!  
No, really. Thank you so much to everyone who has followed this from the begining/nearly the begining, everyone who has reviewed/added this to alerts/favourites/C2's, and even those who have just looked at one page and though 'well, this is fairly odd'. You rock.**

_- SparxFlame (Who is drowning in words and cake mix, and has teh emoes)_

P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. Before you do, please check I've not already done them, or that they're not on the list! Thanks.

**

* * *

**

**oO0Oo**

**The line up so far: Mike(Hacker Guy), Akila, The Ghosts, Mr. Chu, The Radioactive Whale thingies, Ter Borcht, Clone People, Mara (aka Spot girl), John Abate, the SAS dudes, J.J (Max's friend from bk 2), Anne Walker**

**oO0Oo**

**

* * *

**


	23. The Hacker Dude of Randomness

**_Ten Things You Should Never, EVER let them Maximum Ride Characters DO..._**

* * *

**There was a funeral for the dancing cucumber last friday.**

**...No one came.**

**:'(**

**Actually, Saint did, but she brought Fang with her. You can guess how well that went...**

I don't own anything. Not even the dancing cucumber anymore.

* * *

**_Next...  
Mike  
(Random hacker dude)_**

1. I will not let him hack into NASA and blow up the moon.  
2. I will not let write the Maximum Ride books.  
3. I will not let him turn out to be part of Itex.  
4. I will not let him marry Brigid. Or worse, Fang. /Shudders/  
5. I will not let him live in a freezer.  
6. I will not let him join the Evil Leprechaun Society of Global Destruction. (Thanks to Elizabeth Volterra!)  
7. I will not let buy a Bazooka.  
8. I will not let eat chocolate. The chocolate is MINE!  
9. I will not let him kidnap a load of cats and throw them at people for no aparent reason.  
10. I will not let do the salsa.

**

* * *

**

**SQUEEEEE! I finnished my Primeval fic. /Iz happeh/ Now I just have about another million ideas to go. I really need to reread the MR books... :) ****And iz teh HOLIDAYS! Half term FTW. Well, aren't you lucky. You got an update. I'm just in a writing sort of mood at the moment... :D**

_- SparxFlame (Who iz happeh!)_

P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. Before you do, please check I've not already done them, or that they're not on the list! Thanks. **

* * *

**

**oO0Oo**

**The line up so far: Akila, The Ghosts, Mr. Chu, The Radioactive Whale thingies, Ter Borcht, Clone People, Mara (aka Spot girl), John Abate (no idea who he is...), the SAS dudes, J.J (Max's friend from bk 2), Anne Walker**

**oO0Oo**

* * *


	24. The 50 Ton Malamute

**_Ten Things You Should Never, EVER let them Maximum Ride Characters DO..._**

* * *

**I bought a new dancing cucumber!**

**...It died as well...**

**WHY AM I CURSED WITH DYING DANCING CUCUMBERS?!!!**

**:'( /cries/ :'(**

I don't own anything. Not even the dancing cucumber II (R.I.P).

* * *

**_Next...  
Akila  
(...what the heck am I supposed to do for her?)_**

1. I will not let her marry Total.  
2. I will not let her go skydiving. She might land on someone.  
3. I will not let her win Crufts.  
4. I will not let her buy an anti-tank machine gun.  
5. I will not let her eat the hampster.  
6. I will not let her have puppies. With wings.  
7. I will not let her judge the X-factor. Oh yeesh, can you imagine?  
8. I will not let her turn into a cat.  
9. I will not let her learn German.  
10. I will not let her go speedboating. (Oh, weird mental image...)

**

* * *

**

**Back to school tomorrow... waaah... But I've been shortlisted for a writing competition, and I'm going to find out on the 19th if I've won! And it's my birthday on the 9th, so yay!!!**

**If anyone remembers the Evil Leprechaun Society of Global Destruction from the last chapter... there's a facebook group for it... XD**

**The formatting is going all tarded though. Nothing will center. Well, it will, but as soon as I save, it left justifies again. DX**

_- SparxFlame (Who iz still happeh!)_

P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. Before you do, please check I've not already done them, or that they're not on the list! Thanks. **

* * *

**

**oO0Oo**

**The line up so far: The Ghosts, Mr. Chu, The Radioactive Whale thingies, Ter Borcht, Clone People, Mara (aka Spot girl), John Abate (no idea who he is...), the SAS dudes, J.J (Max's friend from bk 2), Anne Walker**

**oO0Oo**

* * *


	25. Not the Crips, the Bloods, or the Cruds

**_Ten Things You Should Never, EVER let them Maximum Ride Characters DO..._**

* * *

**Apologies.**

**My witty disclaimer/story thing gland has died.**

**This is known as watching-I'm-A-Celebrity-itus.**

**I know. I should be stoned to death. :D**

* * *

**_Next...  
The Ghosts  
(Those gang people with the rocket launcher from Bk III)_**

1. I will not let them rename themselves 'The Cruds'. (Oh Iggy... 3)  
2. I will not let them eat roast pidgeon in honour of the flock once a year.  
3. I will not let them eat the flyboy popcorn they made with the bazooka.  
4. I will not let them own a bazooka, even though it's kind of too late...  
5. I will not let them grow their own wings.  
6. I will not let them team up with Itex and become literal ghosts.  
7. I will not let them make a random reappearance in book... which one is it we're on now?!  
8. I will not let them 'go native'.  
9. I will not let them do a fandom crossover with Twilight. (New Moon zomg!)  
10. I will not let them eat a squid.

**

* * *

**

**Won mah competition! :D:D Am now my town's writer of the year! XD Well, it's a very tiny town, so... Meh. The leprechaun world domination group has eleven members at last count. How the hell did we manage to get so many? Did anyone from here join? XD I have been off school ill all week (but I'm not complaining). And we have now passed the 300 review mark, which I believe was broken by SeekDreamsAndFindHope (aka Luna) who was also kind enough to inquire about my dying dancing cucumber. Oh, and is anyone on here also on DevArt? Out of random curiosity. And the formatting is still making me rip my hair out.**

_- SparxFlame_

**_So long, and thanks for all the fish!!!_**

P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. Before you do, please check I've not already done them, or that they're not on the list! Thanks.

**For all those going 'WTF who is Daniel?', IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DYLAN!!! For all those who are now going, 'WTF who is Dylan?', thats what me and half a dozen other people are trying to find out. Those who know the answer will get Interwebz and genetically modified Itex cookies. Apologies for my uselessness, I'm tired. And in a place where my MR books are not accessable. :'(**

**

* * *

****oO0Oo**

**The line up so far: Mr. Chu, The Radioactive Whale thingies, Ter Borcht, Clone People, Mara (aka Spot girl), John Abate (how come evryone seemed to know who he is apart from me?!), the SAS dudes, J.J (Max's friend from bk 2), Anne Walker, Dylan (formerly incorrectly called Daniel)**

**oO0Oo**


	26. SneezeMan

**The flock have got bored with me pestering them, and have gone on holiday to Johannesburg. As I don't have my own private jet plane, I cannot go there to get them back. Total is _still_ running around in a hot air ballon trying to bomb the entire world, so if you see a hot air ballon, shoot it down. And then apologie to the owner if they're not Total (although they may be rather dead by that point, depending on the height they fell from). **

I would like to take the opportunity to point out that I still don't own Maximum Ride, and that it belongs to James Patterson, not me .

* * *

_Next..._  
_Mr. Chu_  
_The creepy evil guy_

**1. I will not let him poison the world's water supply so that only his creepy whale thingies are left.**  
**2. I will not let him stalk the flock.**  
**3. I will not let him set up a pet supplying company. He'd genetically modify the pets so they'd attack all their new owners.**  
**4. I will not let him sneeze on people.**  
**5. I will not let him marry Brigid. They'd have, like, uber-evil babies.**  
**6. I will not let him be locked in a room with an Eraser, just to see who'd win. (Well, actually, I would.)**  
**7. I will not let him write a blog. That wuld just be... scary.**  
**8. I will not let team up with Angel and take over the world.**  
**9. I will not let him hang around on park corners offering ice cream to small children.**  
**10. I will not let him direct the Maximum Ride movie.**

**

* * *

**

Sorry, sorry, sorry! No, seriously, I am. I'm not going to bother you with all the pointless excuses as to why I haven't updated - the list is long and, frankly, not very useful. It's just been rather hectic in Real Life, that's all. I'm not sure whether I'll be able to update again soon, as I have exams coming up, and may be moving to Poland soon, so I'm somewhat distracted. And sorry again...

-_SparxFlame_

**P.S. If anyone has any special requests for characters (especially from Fang) they would like to see up here, then please review and tell me. I will do my best to write them up. Before you do, please check I've not already done them, or that they're not on the list! Thanks.****

* * *

**

The line up so far: The Radioactive Whale thingies, Ter Borcht, Clone People, Mara (aka Spot girl), John Abate (not sure who he is), the SAS dudes, J.J (Max's friend from book 2), Anne Walker, Dylan (formerly incorrectly called Daniel)


	27. Thingies Just thingies

**Je ne comprende pas ton Anglais. Je parle le Francias. Je ne regrette rien. XD (Yes, I fail at languages).**

I would like to take the opportunity to point out that I still don't own Maximum Ride, and that it belongs to James Patterson, not me.

* * *

_Next..._  
_The Radioactive Whale thingies  
...Basically what I just said._

**1. I will not let them eat small children. Even if they are crunchy and delicious and taste very nice...**  
**2. I will not let them turn into manouverable islands.**  
**3. I will not let them demand civil rights.  
****4. I will not let them create giant tidal waves to kill everyone.**  
**5. I will not let them write Figgy slash fic in their spare time.**  
**6. I will not let them invite Angel to tea.**  
**7. I will not let them eat Nudge.**  
**8. I will not let them become Fang's adopted family now he's legged it from the flock.**  
**9. I will not let them have wings grafted onto them.**  
**10. I will not let them ever turn up in any MR book ever again, because they were _creepy_.**

**

* * *

**

I am moving to Poland in five days. Why hallo thar, any Polish people who may or may not be reading this. I am coming to invade your country /creepy stare/. Also, this chapter is dedicated to the epic Vera Amber for making me get off my lazy butt and write something. Taptaptaptap to you too! XD

-_SparxFlame_

**

* * *

**

The line up so far: Ter Borcht, Clone People, Mara (aka Spot girl), John Abate (guy on boat in TFW), the SAS dudes, J.J (Max's friend from book 2), Anne Walker, Dylan (formerly incorrectly called Daniel), Dr. H-G, The Director, Tess, Magnolia


	28. Ai Vill Nao Eet Nein Snickahs Bahs!

Welcome to the return of the overly-long not-disclaimers. Because I was bored.

**Me: I demand that you-  
Fang: Shut up. You had this coming to you, you know. You and that blasted list-thing!  
Me: Let me gooooooo! I promise, I won't write another chapter ever, and I won't tell anyone you still suck your thumb...  
Fang: /blushes/ Right, that's it. I'm _never_ letting you go.  
Me: Bother. But the nice people are waiting for another chapter.  
Max: Those who haven't died of old age, anyways...  
Me: /sulks/  
Iggy: On the subject of dying, has anyone seen Angel lately? I haven't seen her since Total went off in that hot air ballon.  
Gazzy: She was _in_ the hot air ballon. Dropping bombs on people. I made those bombs, ya know. /evil genius smirk/  
Max: /wibble face/ NOOOOOO MAH ANGEL! She's been kidnapped! We must find her! /strikes heroic pose/  
Nudge: Uh, Max... I don't think Gazzy meant she's been kidnapped.  
Max: Of course she has! Total has been working with the School all along! He has BETRAYED us and taken my beautiful little darling! We must find her!  
Flock: Uhh..  
Max: Fang! You're comming with me?  
Fang: /shakes head emphatically/ Nope.  
Max: /flutters eyelashes/ Pwease?  
Fang: Of course! /flys after Max/  
Gazzy and Iggy: /realise that Max and Fang are going to find someone who has _bombs_/ We're coming too!  
Nudge: Uh, well, _fine_. I'll just go... paint my nails or something! /flounces off/**

**Me: /is still tied to tree/ Guys...? GUYS? /looks around hopefully/  
/crickets chirp/  
Me: Damn. You could have at least _untied_ me first!  
Dylan: Hey, I'm still here! We can keep each other company!  
Me: /tries not to look absolutely horrified/ Arghmeep- I mean, great! So you're going to untie me?  
Dylan: Nuh-uh. Fang warned me about you.  
Me: /is vaguely curious/ What did he say...?  
Dylan: That you were an evil, wicked, horrible person who laughs at other people's misery, will eat my spinal fluid if given the chance, and should on no accounts be approached, even to be poked with a stick.  
Me: That sounds like Fang. /looks at stick Dylan is holding/ ...You're gonna poke me with that, aren't you?  
Dylan: Yep! I'm being _rebellious_. /pokes/  
Me: Someone kill me...**

Yeah, basically, I still don't own Maximum Ride. Becuase despite the cookies and very nice letters I sent him, JP won't give it to me (and he _still_ ate all my cookies...).

* * *

_Next..._  
_Ter Borcht  
Snickers bar man__._

**1. I will not let him do the voices for the Sat-Nav. "Please. Turn. _Left_. And run. Over. The nearest. Human-avain. Hybrid!"**  
**2. I will not let him try out on x-Factor.**  
**3. I will not let try to beat Gazzy's Snicker's-bars-eating record. 'Cos that would be _messy_.  
****4. I will not let him be a member of the flock's dad.**  
**5. I will not let him become a primary school science teacher and raise an army of evil-genius-scientist children.**  
**6. I will not let him become addicted to blood.**  
**7. I will not let him have his head explode due to high blood pressure and unco-operative human-avian hybrids.**  
**8. I will not let him and the flock be in the same room together. Whilst the flock have machine guns.**  
**9. I will not let him rise from the grave as a zombie.**  
**10. I will not let him take counselling. I mean, think of the poor counsellor who would have to actually _listen_ to him...  
**

**

* * *

**

I have invaded Poland, and been invaded back by the evil Polish midgies who seem to think I am some kind of walking lunchbox. Yay. And for the record, I've given up apologising for late updates, becuase I doubt anyone reads my long rambles of excuses. So I shall just say here that I apologise for the weirdness of my updates both past, present and future. :( Ah well. Also, out of interest (if there's anyone actually reading this any more)... hands up those who have seen Sorcerer's Apprentice? The new one, I mean.

-_SparxFlame_

**

* * *

**

The line up so far: Clone People, Mara (aka Spot girl), John Abate (guy on boat in TFW), the SAS dudes, J.J (Max's friend from book 2), Anne Walker, Dylan (formerly incorrectly called Daniel), Dr. H-G, The Director, Tess, Magnolia


End file.
